2010 – Gabevaildenor (Guo-Ang)



” But whatever a sinner I was, my friends, a murderer, an enemy to man, a votary of Devilish concupiscence, yet notwithstanding did diligently and steadfastly apply myself as a worker, never roistering”once again he seemed to stop and consider and corrected the word to “resting,” but then stayed with “roistering”-“nor sleeping, but gave myself to drudgery and complished what was difficult, according to the word of the Apostle, ‘He who seeketh hard things shall have it hard.’ For as God does no great things without our melting grease, neither does the Other. Only the shame and mockery of the intellect and what in the age was contrary to the work, those He did keep apart from me, the remainder I had to do myself, though only after strange infusions. For there often rose up in me a sweet instrument, of an organ or a positive, then the harp, lutes, fiddles, sackbuts, fifes, cromornes, and flutes, each with four voices, so that I had well believed myself to be in heaven had I not known otherwise. Of which I wrote much down. Often there were also certain children with me in the room, boys and girls, who sang me a motet from pages of notes, smiling right craftly the while and interchanging glances. And pretty children they were indeed. Sometimes their hair would rise as if upon hot air, and they smoothed it again with their pretty hands, on which were dimples and ruby stones. Sometimes little yellow worms wriggled from out their nostrils, crawled down their breasts, and vanished”

“Thus the Evil One sustained his word in fidelity through four and twenty years, and all is finished but for the very last, midst murder and lewdness have I completed it, and perchance what is fashioned in wickedness can yet be good by grace, I do not know. Perchance God sees, too, that I sought out what was hard and gave myself to drudgery, perchance, perchance it will be reckoned to me and put to my account that I have been so diligent and.complished all with pertinacity-! cannot say and have not the courage to set my hope therein. My sin is larger than that it can be forgiven me, and I have driven it to its heights in that my brain speculated that a contrite unbelief in the possibility of grace and forgiveness may be the greatest provocation for eternal goodness, even as I recognize that such brazen calculation renders mercy wholly impossible.”

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